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How to Supercharge a Sexless Marriage…


Laughing couple.

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I have been reminiscing about the sex coaching sessions I’ve had with couples over the past few years. Out of all the sessions, the biggest concern that many couples bring up is either the lack of sex or the lack of soul warming, satisfying sex with their partner.

Typically, during the first couple years of a relationship, the sex is more abundant and the quality of the sex is drastically better. Unfortunately, as the relationship matures and life gets busier, both the quality and quantity of sex goes down. For some unfortunate folks, their sex lives become nearly non-existent. According to a recent survey, it is estimated that 26% of married couples did not have sex at all in 2009!!!! Uff! I guess I shouldn’t complain about getting interrupted this morning before my lover and I got to make love for a second time!

Although some people say that sex is not the most important aspect of a healthy relationship… I’m not so sure. While it may not be THE MOST IMPORTANT, it sure is high on my list of priorities. Of course some couples manage to feel satisfied in a sexless marriage, but a high percentage of men and women desire the intimacy and satisfaction that comes from great sex.

For myself and my lover, we have managed to maintain a high level of intimacy and connection. There have been a few times during our marriage (directly after childbirth and after a series of miscarriages) that sex has been put on the side lines. However, outside of these challenging times, we have managed to have frequent sex that is satisfying, pleasurable and enhances our connection.

I was discussing this aspect of my relationship with a client recently, which caused me to dig deeper and reflect on what makes this area of our relationship so incredibly successful. The following is some of my random thoughts on the subject…

  • we communicate well

  • we are honest and respectful when communicating

  • each of us has hobbies that we do independently

  • both of us desire frequent sex

  • we make sex a priority, regardless of how busy we are (we have 6 kids..need I say more?)

  • each week we go on a date

  • we talk openly with our children about the need for us to have ‘alone time’

  • if we hit a barrier to great sex, we talk it through and figure it out

  • we use Tantric massage, sex toys, role playing and other kinky tools to spice things up and keep it interesting…

If you are in a relationship and are currently feeling dissatisfied with your sex life, try to get up the courage to talk with your partner. Another thing to remember is that foreplay tends to begin with emotional connection…take time to tidy up the house, cook a meal together, or take your lover on a special date where the focus is just on the two of you…If all else fails, rent a hotel room with a hot tub and let the wine flow!

If you’re looking to spice things up…keep checking back, I am in the process of writing some fairly steamy blog posts!!!

9 comments on “How to Supercharge a Sexless Marriage…

  1. I think that you are lucky, Joy, to have a partner who is also interested in sex, with an explorative nature. Very often, sadly, either one or both partners have low sex urge, especially if one has a sexual appetite.

    As you say, I think sex is quite important to happiness in the married life. There is nothing closer than that, and also something where one totally surrenders himself or herself to the partner :)

    • Yes, we definitely are blessed to both seek bliss within our connection and to consistently achieve it even after many years…it seems that the more sex we have together, the more we both crave it! Surrender is a wonderful word!

  2. Your list of thoughts pretty well echoes our approach, though we don’t “date” as such these days, but we do try to go out to DO something together, like buy clothes, or some sort of treat for the two of us. ( you wouldn’t believe how horny going out to try clothes that are maybe quite sheer without a bra on can make us feel!!) We always keep one particular afternoon free for DTS (Saturdays when number two son is out working), that way we can make love and make as much noise as we like without inhibition!!

    • I had nver thought of trying on clothes as a sensual adventure, but you’ve now sold me! I’ll have to try that soon…with our expanding household and regular visitors from around the word, the one issue we definitely face is that we seem to rarely have the house completely to ourselves, so there is a level that we are not reaching that we can reach when we have the house completely to ourselves. Our solution has been to escape to the ocean and have wild sex up against a rock, tree or other space in nature…however, the weather is turning…not sure we will find it as alluring in the cold rain!

      • There is a large retail park on the outskirts of Bristol that has 3 of my favourite shops: East, Phase Eight and the department store John Lewis. All of these sell the kind of clothes I love and it can be a wonderful experience (not to mention therapeutic!) to go and try on clothes. John Lewis in particular has a very good changing room arrangement that allows husbands/partners to go in and sit in a communal area while the ladies try on the clothes then come back out to show off. I have to admit that I enjoy the looks and occasional comments when I walk back out wearing something revealing or a bit sheer! It’s a good ego booster!

  3. Oh…and I am looking forward to your “steamy” posts……. they usually have a good effect on me!

  4. [...] How to Supercharge a Sexless Marriage… (tantrachick.wordpress.com) Share this:ShareFacebookStumbleUponDiggTwitterRedditEmailLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. [...]

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